Thursday, September 12, 2013

Putting The Pieces Back Together Again

Sometimes when things happen or I happen to rub up against something to do with fundamentalist Christianity I am mightily triggered. Particularly when I have other stressers going on at the same time. It ramps it all up to another level. Before I know it I'm having a panic attack, having to talk myself down, off the rickety limb of the Trigger Tree.

The sad, sick, surprising thing is sometimes it doesn't take much to trigger all that old nasty garbage from my old life before I left for a new church with my husband. Just walking past certain people, seeing well-scrubbed earnest young folks with Bibles on my doorstep, a certain hue of color, a particular smell, injustice, bullies, people that spout Bible verses without having a clue of the historical content and a million other things trigger me.

I thought I was finally past all of that, it's been a long time since I've been triggered into a serious panic attack. Today, after returning home from a full day of work at a job that is supposed to be part time, dealing with paperwork on so many abandoned adoptees being unfairly dumped on the doorstep of the facility I work at by Evangelical mega-adopters, I was triggered again by something that had triggered me many times this week. Someone fundy insisting I do things his way.

What? Am I Burger King now where you can have it your way just because you think it should be your way? Don't think so buddy.

So tonight I spent my time with Jason Upton in worship. It always helps me gain my perspective again. Particularly the song "Freedom" because it reminds me anew what many of the rock throwers I encounter that sometimes trigger me are all about. I particularly love this verse -

Well, we live in a country supposedly Pharaohless
But all over town and in churches abide
Powerful weaklings who practice they're politics
Stealing from Jesus his beautiful bride
Whether you're Pharisees, Sadducees, heresies
You best get outta God's way! 

It's my 'untrigger' when I worship and realize I'm dealing with a pack of modern day Pharisees. I love  Jason. I am so thankful he is courageous enough for singing the truth and for being so welcoming every time I've run into him at conferences in the past. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It is always interesting to me what triggers us ex-Fundamentalists. I convince myself I am beyond all ot it, free at last. And then, BOOM, something happens and I find myself upset and angry. Then I become angry for being angry...well you know the cycle.

The old lady who is a greeter at Meijer set me off awhile back. I told her to enjoy the sunshiny day. Her reply? I will and I will enjoy the SON (she spelled it) even more.

I said nothing to her but I had thoughts of speaking to the store manager about it. In the end, I let it go. It angered me, a reminder of the days when I always had to get a word in for Jesus. I am sure I was insufferable to some people.