Friday, April 04, 2014
A Few More Puzzle Pieces
Ironically I've been offered a position at a physicians office. Not sure I'm going to take it, but pretty sure I'm not going back to my old job either. I don't need that constant drama and the lies of the management people.
One of the big things I've realized is that I'm not emotionally healthy because I've never dealt with the sexual abuse I suffered in my childhood. I've been in and out of therapy in the past but I think I'm going to have to go back in. My aunt, also molested as a child, has been telling me for years that I'm emotionally ill because of what happened and could not even realize how sick I actually was. After working around kids from abusive situations and reading many of the therapy books at work plus my reactions to triggers I have to say she's right. So today I'm rescheduling with my old encouraging therapist.
I'm not depressed, I'm just not right in the head.
Johns Hopkins - I had a visit with a vocal cord doctor, an expert and had tests run. After having natural childbirth and a fingernail cut off without anesthesia I can honestly say that the tests they did were the most painful I've experienced, even as I've had similar testing in the past and it wasn't nearly that bad. I've been developing a whopper sinus infection for weeks now and that impacted the testing. There was lots of gagging (nearly puked on the doc three different times), weird test instructions like yelling out counting and a deep lake of tears they tapped.
The tests? Inconclusive. I have to repeat them all in three months. They could not determine either way about my vocal cords or provoke them to shut. I have to bring in a few more triggering things, like cigarette butts, cleaning supplies and other things I react to they did not have available.
The thing that made all of this so flipping emotionally triggering is that a herd of residents and interns interviewed me again and again, right down to asking me if I'd been sexually abused as a child. The young asian doctor was really invading my personal space, making me very uncomfortable, asking that questions and I broke in tears and could not stop for two days. See what I mean about needing to deal with this? It has only been in the past ten years that I could admit to myself or anyone else what happened. Jim learned of it ten years ago. My mother still doesn't know.
The good? Meds switcheroo and additions, including an experimental new leukotrine inhibitor, back to some of the mast cell inhibitors that helped in the past and a proton pump inhibitor. Also I was told by the respiratory therapist that I'd likely developed breathing patterns during that trauma that are making all of this much worse. She taught me a few ways to deal with the breathing and I'm to start going to Hopkins twice a month for breathing therapy. It can't hurt.
Looks like singing has saved my life on many occasions. Just having a strong and trained diaphragm has allowed me to keep powering through some of my asthma attacks.
Between all of that I started bleeding in my sinuses and windpipe from the tests so it was back to the doctor for treatment. I have thin blood and bleed/bruise easily and treatment for the suddenly much worse sinus infection.
Yesterday and today are all about resting till the meds kick in and the sinus infection is better. I am wiped right now.
Posted by Calulu at 10:12 AM