Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Low Profiles and I-95

I'm still avoiding my local Starbucks like the old man buffet of STDs it now represents in my mind. Now my afternoon de-stress involves my French press, freshly ground coffee beans and our newly installed gazebo cover over the deck. It's cheaper, I don't have to worry that I might gasp or chortle over whatever reading material is in my hand and it is blissfully silent and devoid of others, insects or cheesy hipster jazz music.

But I am struggling to start the paperwork for my disability claim and to do the vocal exercises I'm being taught in physical therapy for my vocal cords and breathing. The therapist is trying to get me to talk in a higher toned softer voice. It's a struggle as I keep wanting to go back to my throaty alto rasp, my blues singing voice. Speaking like that feels like I am trying to channel Michelle Duggar. Every single time that ladylike soft girly voice comes out of my unrouged lips I hear 'cult lady voice', Stepford Wives and Mrs. Duggar.

What's wrong with sounding like you're living on whiskey and Marlboros? But they swear getting my voice under control will help with the asthma and vocal cord movement. I have my doubts.

Plus some of the exercises seem really silly. There's one where I have to say a bunch of "M" words, first in a chanting monotone, then exaggeratedly and finally in that higher soft toned voice they want me to start always speaking in. I have a sheet of "M" word phrases I'm supposed to use, such as things like "Myra mails monkeys mocha" but I got bored and started making up my own "Mike milks moobs monthly on the moon" or "Mitchell masturbates moistly and modestly". How this is going to help me breath better?

One thing I'm not struggling with, that drive on the Beltway and I-95 to Baltimore. It's 3 hours of riding along at 35 to 40 mph stop and go traffic and brake riding. Nothing at all like the time I was headed to Balto years ago and had a truck driver pull up next to my car waving a dildo and waggling his tongue at me. I wish something that would make me laugh as hard as that did would happen during the drive.

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