Monday, August 11, 2014

Evangelical Good Christian Men Are So Fragile They Cannot Handle Pushback Of Any Kind?

Homemade Mojito Jelly from mint in the garden

Over at NLQ in the past few weeks it seems like many of the pieces I'm publishing have to do with not asking for your needs to be met, not disagreeing with your husband's financial decisions or anything else or they will cease to love you or fall victim to the devil.

I really don't get that. Especially when it comes to spending money, major and minor purchases. Debi Pearl has stated in her book "Created To Be His Help Meet" that you should never ever under any circumstance voice an opinion on the spending of family funds. According to her the question below is one no wife should ever ask her husband....
1. Do you feel comfortable spending that much money buying that ____?He begins to doubt his ability to make wise decisions.
What? Are all the males she knows so emotionally delicate that the mere act of asking a simple question destroys their ability to make decisions?

And from the same book a question from a reader and Debi's response. First the question:
 Last week my husband went to buy a new stove that we badly needed. He picked out a top-of-the-line stove and was willing to spend too much money in order to have the best. He called and asked me to go look at it and let him know what I thought. I shared my deep concern that it was simply too expensive. We do have the money, but I saw no need to buy the best, when the next scale down would do just as well. He called and told me that he had canceled the order and bought the one I recommended. We both felt better with what I picked out. Should I have kept my mouth shut? I didn’t tell him NOT to get it. I just thought it unwise to spend money unnecessarily. Do wives have to submit in everything? For example, what color to point the walls or what kind of furniture to have? Are we to be just mindless robots?
And now Debi's answer:
Your husband’s choice of stoves is a statement that he is trying to express his great appreciation of you and to please and delight you. Your countermanding his choice, even if it were a better choice, speaks to him about how little you value him, more than it does about how you value the dollar.
This speaks more to the fractured and sick relationship Debi and Michael Pearl have, not to the day to day realities of living in a partnership with another human being. In healthy marriages there are discussions, moments of disagreement and compromise, not slavish bowing down to another while burying your resentments and later taking out your frustrations on others who don't deserve it. Debi takes out her frustrations that come from bowing to the petty unwise tin-plated dictator of her husband on all her readers. Her advice is like toxic waste and will destroy everything it touches.

I thought about her advice this weekend when Jim and I went to do our monthly Costco run together. Before we got to Costco Jim wanted to stop at Best Buy to look at a few things. When we got there he decided he wanted the auto stereo guys to take a look at the ancient stereo in my car. It could not be fixed and they quoted him a price of about $200 dollars to replace it with an upgraded model.

Jim wanted to immediately replace my stereo but I told him first of all I'm not that concerned with having a working CD player in my car since I listen to the local classical music radio station in the car and would likely would still spend 90% of my time listening to the same station even if I had a working CD player. Plus I didn't think spending $200 dollars right now was a wise decision since we're just now recovering from the tight financial circumstances of paying two children's way through college. Last month was the first month that my entire paycheck didn't go to pay living expenses for our daughter. I'd rather use that $200 towards getting our new dishwasher installed by the plumber. I did tell him that when a birthday or Christmas rolled around and he was stuck not knowing what to get me that the stereo might be a good gift.

I know he really wants it in my car. He mentioned it a couple of times on our trip. I'm indifferent. I'd just as soon listen to WETA on my radio.

I didn't say no, I just pointed out that it wasn't a very wise use of funds right now. According to Debi Pearl I was all disrespectful and rebellious. Nope, I was practical. Just like I'm practical and thrifty when I grow the big garden and can every summer or this week when I took care of three small plumbing situations that would have cost around $150 each to get an plumber out to fix.

Jim is usually much more tight with a buck than I am, so this offering to spend some dollars to put in a new stereo system was a big thing. But he did realize that I have our combined financial health in mind. That's healthy, that's not disrespecting your husband.

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