Sunday, July 12, 2015

Hasa Diga Eebowai

I always thought I'd be over the triggers of religion and evangelicalism eventually. But life has, as usual, been proving me quite wrong. Now I've been mentally singing a song from the musical "The Book of Mormon" all morning in my head. The song that translates literally to 'Fuck You God!'

Give it a little listen:

I'm feeling it.

What happened to trigger this? Our usual Sunday morn routine. I'm on my computer checking the comments section of No Longer Quivering for random fundies spouting nonsense and Jim's in the living room switching on his every week viewing of Joel Osteen.

For full disclosure: I do not care at all for Osteen, with his stupid grin, simplistic prosperity gospel that tells you to deny all of your emotions and feelings and only think positively. I've seen the wreckage and fall out, the extreme damage done by this type of thinking. I can think of at least three people who are now six feet under because they chose to ignore the doctor and employ Osteen's positive thinking method.

Anything or anyone that tells you to suppress your own feelings is toxic and will only destroy you eventually.

Jim loves Joel and if it helps him feel better I leave him to it. He never follows or actually does what Joel preaches.

This morning Joel started by talking about when unfair things or you are hurt by something someone did to you that God is getting right up to either defend you or redeem or revenge what was done to you. I don't even know why this got so under my skin so instantaneously. I burst into tears and wanted to shout out at Joel, "Where the fuck was God when I was being sexually abused for two years?!" ending with a lot of Hasa Diga Eebowai!

Seriously, this is one of those things that makes me seriously doubt the existence of any God. What type of good or almighty God allows children to be sexually abused? Or allows someone to murder others of a different race in His house? Or allows innocent babies to be infected with AIDs or be born without brains or with other deformities? A God cruel enough to not protect the most innocent is not anyone I want any part of.

The damage of what was done to me as a child has touched negatively every single aspect of my life. Now, I can see what it's done and how screwed up its made me  for most of my life. There's no easy way to heal from this, repair what can be fixed, redeem the wasted years. The fear and pain of that horrible thing makes me do so many stupid things. I've made a pile of bad decisions because of my own skewed view of the world. 

It's only been in the last ten years that I've been able to even admit what happened to me from years seven to nine. I guess I'm still processing it and working on recovery. But people like Joel Osteen aren't making it very easy at all with their words. They're killing what little belief I still have left.

Seriously, fuck you Joel Osteen's version of God..

I prefer to think that God, if there actually is a God, wept over what happened to me, instead of saying He would use it to glorify Himself. That's just sick.

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