Monday, July 20, 2015

The Jerk of Mormon

I was pretty offensive yesterday morning, a jerk even. I guess I'm still dealing with the eight years of fall out from leaving the old church. First thing in the morning I got to see Gina our new worship leader's mom and dad, who I knew all too well after serving on the old worship team with both of them.

Didn't get a chance to say much to her father Whit, we hugged and exchanged greetings. But once her mom Diana appeared I found myself being pretty mean to Diana by taking a couple of nasty swings at the theology we'd been taught at the old church, putting her on the defensive. It just popped out of my mouth like a series of big ugly toads, definitely not a magical Mormon Fuck Frog. I own her an apology this week. I'm not even sure why I did it. I guess I was a little extra tense. It was still wrong.

Was just about having a stroke because the service ran very late, our pastor would not cede the pulpit, the service ran a full thirty minutes late. I dread this because the moment this happens, when we're doing everything in our power to break down and move all the worship team things off the platform we're being hit with a few nasty retorts from the traditional service people coming in for the next service, the eleven o'clockers. Sure enough I was complained to no less than three times, including being told by one of the ushers, who acts like an asshole on his job during the week at the local school, to leave the sanctuary because we were impeding the flow of people into the church. Bullshit, we were not, there was plenty of room in the aisle. He was just pissed we weren't done with our service.

The sad thing about all of this is that the design team has talked to our lead pastor till we're all blue in the face about the fact that he frequently gets up there and rattles off a long list of announcements that are in the bulletin, listed on the media screens throughout the church and on the website. He will ramble on for almost 15 minutes, putting us at least ten minutes behind schedule. Add in others who come up to give out awards or call for volunteers and you can add in many more minutes. We go over this again and again in the meetings, insisting any presentations or talks need to be prerecorded and no longer than five minutes, but it goes in one ear and straight out the other of the head pastor.

Plus our old worship leader made a huge effort to make sure we didn't run over. Gina's new and I'm sure she's not about to step on the lead pastor's toes. After being chewed out by some ancient man I'd never laid eyes on before, with him telling me we'd better not make his service start late because he was going to not be able to miss the crowds at Country Cooking for his Sunday dinner I was pretty fed up.

Why all the handwringing over timing? This Sunday it was critical. We were driving into Washington D.C., to the Kennedy Center to see The Book of Mormon musical. Jim bought the tickets as a Mother's Day gift for me. He knew I'd been dying to see it for ages, listening to the soundtrack again and again.

Jim works in D.C., I avoid D.C. whenever possible because of the crowds and the traffic. Plus I've seen every single freaking Smithsonian and Museum now many times. We live a mere 60 miles out of the city and it should take us a mere hour to drive in.... if it wasn't D.C. When we first moved here it was just over an hour to get to Constitution Avenue and the White House. Now, it really depends on the traffic, could take anywhere from two hours to as much as four or five hours. See why I was sweating getting on the road?

The service was supposed to be over at 10:30 and our matinee tickets were for 1:30. By the time we drove through the horrible traffic to the Kennedy Center, which is right off I-66, first site off the interstate in the District, parked and found our theater, we had a mere 20 minutes to spare.

I loved the musical and we had the best time! The whole thing is hysterically funny, from the first song with the missionaries ringing doorbells and singing hello, all the way to the end when the Ugandans put on a skit showing what they learned to the bishop visiting the missionaries "Let's be really fucking polite to everyone we meet!" Anyone that has struggled with some of the more ridiculous aspects of faith or dealt with leaving their beliefs should see this show!

In all the years we've lived in D.C. and attended all sorts of events, even visiting the White House, we'd somehow never managed to make it over to the Kennedy Center. But this isn't going to be our last time. I'm planning on going to see the Suzanne Farrell Ballet in Oct/Nov when they play the Kennedy Center. The only problem is that I'm going to have to take someone else besides Jim. He's already indicated that he's afraid he'll have to give up his Man card and cut off his balls if he goes to the ballet. He's so funny about that!

I do know one thing, well one thing more than the facts that I have to apologize to Diana and see the ballet live, if we ever get another cat I'm going to name him General Buttfucking Naked and call him/her General...

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