Thursday, February 11, 2016

Open Letter to Ted Cruz

So I've been hard at work answering a fundraising letter from the Ted Cruz campaign. It is my goal to have myself permanently removed from all the Republican mailing lists that my former boss Bitchy Galore signed me up for without my permission.

Most of the Republican mailers stopped after I started using a Sharpie to write out in all capitals my thoughts on their questions, policies and general assclownery. Enough wasting their dimes and they stopped mailing me their bullshit. I hope this letter gets me removed from Ted Cruz's mailing lists..of all the Republican candidates he's the one that really makes my blood boil. Here it is. I'm mean and petty in this so be forewarned.

Dear Ted Cruz, Republican party operatives and unpaid flunky interns running the campaign,

First, please remove my name, forget my address and pretend I do not exist immediately. Don't contact me again begging for money. Cease and desist right now!

Why? Because many years ago, in this galaxy, in the bosom of a small rural town filled with redneck recondites there was a drunken blonde insurance agent that employed me for a few years. When I wasn't attempting to reason with her over the inappropriateness of her plan to pose nude for a Republican-themed golf calender to sell at her country club, or trying to desperately pry the liquor bottle out of her hands, or trying not to listen to her fighting with her fifth or six husbands I was trying to avoid the constant stream of Republican ridiculous spewing from her lipsticked mouth. Her daddy, was head of the local Republican party, and she became extra-determined that this life-long uber-liberal would be Republican as well. I resisted, and the drunken biddy signed myself and my address up to receive Republican literature and pleas for money for all eternity.

After a few years of Sharpie-ing my objections to the dangerous, immoral and disgusting policies of the Republican party on all surveys from the GOP asking for moolah, some genius realized I wasn't not only not a Republican but I stand in diametric opposition to most all things Republican. The surveys and pleadings for funding stopped finally after a sea of ink and forest of trees were slaughtered for the paper used in those surveys.

Clearly you have harvested off my information from an ancient Republican mailing list that my former boss, Bitchy Galore that fine representative of Republican values of booze-divorce-and screwing over the poor, signed my name up for. Take it off, take it off immediately.

Ted Cruz is a new low for the Republican party, he makes Bitchy and pals seem quite reasonable and liberal with his unBiblical Christian Patriarch movement ideas that harken back to the Dark Ages when women were thought to be soulless beings who were not human. His casual joking about beating his wife, his complete one hundred and eighty degree disregard of the words of Jesus while trumpeting out that he is a Christians are bad enough, but when he attended November's conference hosted by Kevin Swanson he cross over from evil and bumbling to Satan's personal cabana boy. Kevin Swanson of Colorado Springs, Colorado who espouses killing gay people, is obsessed with bestiality and has likely ties to the shooter at the Colorado Springs Planned Parenthood shooting. Not someone I want the future president of the United States to be all buddy-pals with at all. Unless Ted is actually into gay killing and bestiality like Swanson is, of course, which would disqualify him from office along with his birth in Canada.

Give Cruz money? I wouldn't give him a squirt of piss on his face if it was on fire. Even if he does look like the love child of an affair between Satan and Grampa Munster.

I hope he's feeling the Bern right now because he's going to lose and lose big when November comes. Crawl back to Texas, Ted, crawl back.

In summation: Please remove my information from your mailing list and promptly have sex with yourselves. Just don't contact me ever again!

Peace, love and Satan!

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