Sunday, May 22, 2016

Shell Shocked

It's been a crazy week here. I've wept copious amounts of tears. I'd wake up crying, cry myself to sleep. I'd even cry while I was eating, shoving in the food while the tears flow.

Why? It's a long story that I am going to condense down to saying that Jim did something stupid/quasi illegal at one of his part time jobs and was fired. There was an investigation. It was something I never would have considered so I've been struggling with it hard.

He's broken. I'm broken and we're struggling. Since this happened on Tuesday it's been like someone socked me hard in the gut, an actual physical pain in my body. For the first few days I didn't get dressed, didn't shower and didn't comb my hair. I only remembered to eat when I'd get very sick to my stomach and think 'oh yeah, perhaps I should eat something'

I've taken action and we've come up with a list of things he must change. He's agreed, and yes, there will be marriage counseling galore starting this week. He knows it is over if change does not take place.

But one of the worst parts of this entire ordeal is several local old friends that I confided in while I was still in shock made my life a living hell by the constant phone calls, text messaging and private messages on Facebook. I was shaking and in shock and being constantly yammered at. Hearing them putting down my husband of 30 years was counter-productive. I can be angry and call him names, but having others around me doing the same just added to the hurt of what was going on.

Plus I could not think, I was trying to sort my thoughts and process what happened while others were constantly talking at me. One of them, someone still involved in the kind of religion I left, insisted we go for 'deliverance ministry', insisting that Jim had demons.

Demons? I wanted to laugh and cry. Such complete and utter bullshit! Very very unhelpful to hear when you're going through a crisis! I've always said that Satan didn't need to do a damn thing to make us stumble because we humans are perfectly capable of screwing up mightily on our own.

It is what it is. I've pulled up my big girls panties and am dealing with this as best I can. No 'demons' and I have turned off the phone and Facebook to silence the voices making this time harder.

1 comment:

Kalieris said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this.