Friday, July 29, 2016

Ted's Asshole and Hot Tub Hijinks

I have to say that I'm starting to think that the hot tub at the gym is some sort of vortex for strangeness. It's turning into a veritable cauldron of crazy.

Did my workout again today and had to sit in the tub, like always when my entire body is grumbling and complaining that I made it do things that don't involve laying on the sofa or lazing on the lawn furniture..

The problem being this week I've been treated to a treasure trove of tall tales and weirdness. I think it has to do with the fact that these are mostly retired guys with nothing to do but troll around the gym hot tub.

Weirdo #1, come on down - He kept babbling about being a CIA operative that was psychic and he had visions of who was going to die next. I got the impression he was Cousin Eddie's cousin with a dented piece of government plastic in his head. If he's in the CIA then I must be a Mensa member.

Weirdo #2, and just like going number two stunk literally and figuratively. His shtick was he started trying to tell me about his years working in Belgium at, was it NATO command? I couldn't figure out. Once he started trying to explain to me about his Top Secret Security Clearance I told him that my husband was retired military intelligence. He shut up about his years doing that stuff and changed the subject. Busted..

Weirdo #3 was a ministry at a local fundagelical church that is also a big old toxic stew and he tried a 'Come to Jesus' after finding out I attend the local Methodist church. I told him that if he kept bugging me I would have to start worshiping Satan for fun and profit.

Weirdo #4 today came into the hot tub and stood there pointing out of the area to the average traffic on the highway just outside of the window, babbling about those gawddamn 'Come Heres' from Northern Virginia ruining our small town. I said very little, putting on my Thurston Howell III act and actively ignored him right up until the moment he asked if I was married and tried some very dated pickup line on me. I got up and immediately left the hot tub without even replying to his crap.

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But tonight Jim made me laugh so hard. We were watching television and this Xfinity ad came on...


...he turned to me and said, 'Why are they singing about building a thingy on Ted's asshole?'

I have been dying laughing ever since. The lyric they were singing that Jim misheard was 'We built this thingy with tech that's old..' I think I prefer it Jim's way. Now that I've heard his take I can never hear it again the correct way.

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