I've been reading and rereading Lori's book on turning your marriage around from bad to good by being uber-submissive. It's pretty clear it's just another attempt to control her husband by being Godly enough so God will change him into the perfect husband. This is one of those bedrock things that no one will ever admit to in Quiverfull, but it underlies most women's decision to drag the entire family deeper into the strange wilderness of fundamentalism. Unhappy marriage? Force God to deal with him by being ultra righteous.
Here's the problem with that. It just never works. You just end up increasingly frustrated and upset, burdened by the multitude of 'must-dos' and blaming your lack of righteousness for the assholery of someone else. The ultimate in no win situations until you end up at the literal breaking point. Or worse.
I've been thinking about this book a lot, and how it almost guarantees negative changes in your marriage and your own eventual collapse.
Ultimately people are only responsible for themselves, not their family or those around them.
There are lots of points in the book where Lori is talking about trying futilely to control what Ken eats and how resistant he was, what a frustrating thankless task it was. Today I walked into the kitchen around breakfast time just in time to see Jim eating several cookies with a go cup of some sort of cappuccino. I looked at Jim and said, "Cookies for breakfast?" He replied "Yep" and went right back to his cookie inhaling. I laughed and said "You know Lori would not approve." and he laughed too.
Last night he could not settle into sleep, ending up waking me up too and then he made a half-hearted appeal for late night sex which I brushed off quickly. I wake up less than nice before coffee, even in the middle of the night, so after I said a distinct 'No', telling him I wasn't going to be his penis sleeping pill he laughed and said, "Lori would not approve."
"Lori would not approve." has turned into a funny game and a way of levity in our lives now. At least there's some use for this book. I turned the last book I did a lengthy review of - Vaughn Ohlman's 'What are you Doing?' into fuel for the backyard fire pit. I suspect this book is going to join it in the flames lest someone impressionable get a hold of it and take the words inside seriously.
At the same time this levity is going on there have been some serious and not always agreeing discussions going on about this Central America move. Jim's been changing his mind about where we're going, how we're going, and everything else over and over again. I finally had to tell him that this was seriously stressing me out. Pick a plan, a doable legitimate plan and stick with it. Pick a moving date and stick with it. Every day the plan has been changing.
What's happened is the educational organization that he paid a hefty fee to take their course and become certified to teach English overseas hasn't been 100% honest on what's available out there in Central America. So far we're had to turn down -
- A job offer from a school in Northern Mexico that offered to pay plane fare, meals, room and board after finding out that the pay was 5 bucks an hour, the meals and rooming were one small bedroom without air conditioning in a rooming house with a shared bathroom and the cook serving beans and rice for every meal.
- A job offer in Columbia, for much more money but still not enough to consider uprooting everything in our lives to live in a big city.
Managed to communicate to my husband that I was not going anywhere without checking it out first, I was extremely stressed out and uncomfortable with his suggestions so far and if he wanted my cooperation for the move he'd have to change what was happening. I'm not going to a place I've never laid eyes on before with zero idea of what's really there. Not happening.
Submitting to a man who cannot make up his mind can have disastrous consequences. Better to make your needs and negotiables clearly known upfront when things do not play out like you'd hoped.