Friday, April 21, 2017

Cicular Logic and Connections

My antique piano finally left the house this morning. It went to a very lovely young couple with young kids. As you remember I have agonized over the family piano and the ancient history connected to it, not wanting to let it go.

But once the young mother started telling me a story of her piano growing up, family dysfunction and how one of her family members sold it without telling her I realized how close to my own history that was. It feels very right that she is ending up with my piano, like some sort of karmic realignment, or what we used to call a 'God moment'. Something happening adjusting the world to rights again, redressing old wrongs. A very calm, perfect and circular moment, past and futures connected.

Very happy that my piano has landed with this family. Healing.

But then the rest of the day was a struggle. Ran out to order the carpet again since we had trouble last week with the original carpet company-- that went alright and allowed me to pick up some small supplies I need, like better shower curtain rods, some grout and grout sealant to do a little work in the baths.

The afternoon was taken up clearing out Laura's toys from the storage closets in her room. I had a melt down when I found the stuffed Meeko raccoon from the movie 'Pocahontas'. I bought it for Laura that first terrible day in the hospital when we almost lost her to ITP. She was four and it was her constant companion for about two or three years. Going to the doctor's office? Must have Meeko. Going to church? So is Meeko. Going to school or preschool? Meeko is coming along. Ready for dinner or bed? So is Meeko. I had to customize Meeko with a piece of iron on name tag on his butt with Laura's name on it and sew on a piece of velcro to connect him to her backpack.

One day he was put aside. It happened so suddenly. I don't quite know why. Laura must have outgrown her need to have him with her constantly and he's lived in that closet ever since. Seeing him again just opened the flood gates for me. I miss my kids being little and having them with me all the time.  Between the nice family taking the piano and seeing echos of the past I cannot help but think that when you're in the midst of it, the guts and blood of raising your children, it never dawns on you that some day they will flee the nest and you'll not have them around you every day. You miss them.

I know from some of the conversations I've had with my adult children that they're upset and unnerved by our remodel of the house and our moving away. Life is sure of one thing, change.

The SiL is busy fighting the change since her husband signed everything over to Jim. She's fighting as much of a losing battle as I am trying to hang onto my children. Eventually the waves sweep you far from the shore no matter how hard you fight them.


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