With Friends Like These Redux
Cindy Kunsman and I have been talking a lot lately. Cindy, and me too I have to admit, does not always have the best boundaries or pick up on who is using you and who is a true friend. Coming out of my old religion I sometimes struggle to have good boundaries and I don't always figure out who is using me until too late.
I know one thing, Cindy is my friend, a true friend. I've cried on her shoulder, laughed and vented over the doings of Mrs. Satan and I've listened to her process the things and people she deals with. It's helpful to have good friends like that.
Looking back over my blog I can see I've done a boatload of bitching about people, from oily Jane on down, but I don't mention the oodles of great people I love, or hang out with. You wouldn't know it from my complaining but I have many wonderful people in my life. They just don't tend to get under my skin enough for me to end up ranting about them here.
The kind of relationships I have with many is like what happens with the dog across the street. The owner has told me the dog's name many times, but it's long and complex. I've never mastered pronouncing it so he's 'Dog' to me, or 'Perro' if you will. Every single time the gate in our wall is open Dog comes to see me, trotting in joyfully. I come out, pet him, talk to him in both Spanish and English. He hugs me, literally. He loves to throw his front legs up on my shoulders, his head near mine and hugs like he's human. I pet him some more, give him a few dog treats and away he goes.
The relationship is two-way, mutually beneficial even if the benefit is just emotional. That's really the way friendship should be.
I am sad to say that it hasn't always worked out to be that way. I've been worked up and upset for days now as it has become over the last few months rather crystal clear that someone I considered a good friend is anything but. It's dawned on me as time has gone by that she only contacts me when she needs something. Sometimes that thing she needs is monetary, sometimes it's information, sometimes it's just to fill her own deflated ego. I cannot keep propping her up endlessly while being treated like the hired help.
Genuinely I wouldn't mind giving any of those, if there was any reciprocity. But there's not. It all revolves around her needs always. I've started to feel like support staff for her bad choices. Which is not cool at all.
She's reappeared in my life in the last few months and now I'm struggling with what to do. Do I tell her how she's making me feel? Or just cut her off without an explanation? I've backed off from her, not leapt to do the things she is asking of me, but I don't think it's dawned on her yet that I'm less than enthused. It's a difficult one. Just know that I am finished with being used.
I know one thing, Cindy is my friend, a true friend. I've cried on her shoulder, laughed and vented over the doings of Mrs. Satan and I've listened to her process the things and people she deals with. It's helpful to have good friends like that.
Looking back over my blog I can see I've done a boatload of bitching about people, from oily Jane on down, but I don't mention the oodles of great people I love, or hang out with. You wouldn't know it from my complaining but I have many wonderful people in my life. They just don't tend to get under my skin enough for me to end up ranting about them here.
The kind of relationships I have with many is like what happens with the dog across the street. The owner has told me the dog's name many times, but it's long and complex. I've never mastered pronouncing it so he's 'Dog' to me, or 'Perro' if you will. Every single time the gate in our wall is open Dog comes to see me, trotting in joyfully. I come out, pet him, talk to him in both Spanish and English. He hugs me, literally. He loves to throw his front legs up on my shoulders, his head near mine and hugs like he's human. I pet him some more, give him a few dog treats and away he goes.
The relationship is two-way, mutually beneficial even if the benefit is just emotional. That's really the way friendship should be.
I am sad to say that it hasn't always worked out to be that way. I've been worked up and upset for days now as it has become over the last few months rather crystal clear that someone I considered a good friend is anything but. It's dawned on me as time has gone by that she only contacts me when she needs something. Sometimes that thing she needs is monetary, sometimes it's information, sometimes it's just to fill her own deflated ego. I cannot keep propping her up endlessly while being treated like the hired help.
Genuinely I wouldn't mind giving any of those, if there was any reciprocity. But there's not. It all revolves around her needs always. I've started to feel like support staff for her bad choices. Which is not cool at all.
She's reappeared in my life in the last few months and now I'm struggling with what to do. Do I tell her how she's making me feel? Or just cut her off without an explanation? I've backed off from her, not leapt to do the things she is asking of me, but I don't think it's dawned on her yet that I'm less than enthused. It's a difficult one. Just know that I am finished with being used.
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