When You Realize Rather Unpleasant Things

This morning was I had an ephiphany.  Not a good one. It came out of last  night's karma rant. I was talking with a friend of mine about the times my ex purposely tried to screw me over, and I realized it was many, many times, not just the two examples I listed.

Thinking about it put a huge amount of things I've struggled with through the years in their proper perspective. The very last time he attempted to mess with me happened back in January, and took place through my kids. Forty years after the divorce he is still trying to get some sort of revenge. Sick.

But it was good to realize this. The puzzle pieces finally clicked together in my mind, and things make more sense.

While I managed to mitigate and lessen his influence after leaving Louisiana, it does not mean he ever stopped. It just went underground and happened through other people, usually family members. This last time it caused a rift with a family member. I realized he has at times weaponized this member of the family against me. He can have it because I do not engage, I'm not engaging and I'm not even speaking to this person.

This is why you have to be careful who you share your heart and your bed with, because you might be living with the consequences a very long time. I married him when I was all of 16, and he was considerably older. We got along fine when I was acting like his perfect teenbopper brainless sex robot. But the minute I started to mature a little bit, and realized I wanted more out of life the marriage fell apart.

We divorced very quickly, but I made the mistake of not packing up and moving far away, which is what I should have done in retrospect because he kept turning up like a bad penny at the worst of times. Even convinced me twice to give him another chance, but both times I released anew, within a week, how unsuited we were for each other.

Like I like to say, I gave him my heart, he gave me an std for our wedding night. Charming. This was all well before I joined the church too. So my judgment wasn't any better pre-fundytown either.

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