Fights, Unfair and Fair

It never fails to amuse me that the posts here where I'm angry or disappointed with my husband get oodles of hits. Oodles and oodles of hits. I can almost hear the post being shared willy nilly among certain folks. *Shrugs* it's the human condition, we're all going to knock heads occasionally. It's how you handle the aftermath that shows the difference between bad marriages and good marriages.

Take this morning for instance. A rare argument. Here's the recipe.

I feel passionate about feeding folks. I've volunteered everywhere we've lived with the soup kitchens and feeding pantries. I gave our local food bank my entire stimulus check because I'd just add the money to a CD or investment and times are tough here after the lockdown for the locals now that the tourist dollars have stopped.

I cannot do much, but I can make sure others eat. It's the Cajun way.

Jim and I were having a discussion while I was cooking breakfast about writing the food bank another large check. I'm all for it. He's sort of for it. He starts telling me what all the guys in his new Bible study group have said about feeding the Ticos.

This Bible study is not linked to our church at all, even if it is in Costa Rica. I've overheard them and their thoughts while cooking breakfast now that all religious meetings  have moved online.

I don't even know these guys, but I know I do not like them. One morning I was cursing under my breath while making walnut blueberry banana whole wheat pancakes at the nonsense one of them was saying in the issue of submission. Another time I caught some very standard rich white man entitlement attitudes on discussion of giving.

Jim started explaining to me that others in that particular group dislike the idea of giving to the food bank. Why? They think it will make the local Ticos lazy and entitled. That if they start getting fed for free they'll come to expect it. The guys in the group want to make those Ticos that get free food to pick up trash, or clean the beaches, make it work related.

It is possible they might do that? I guess anything is possible. I just do not think it's likely for many reasons. Most Ticos, even those with almost nothing, are extremely generous. They sometimes make me feel ashamed that I'm not prepared to give to that level.

My replies were all to Jim about how culturally offensive the guys in the group ideas are. Here's a bunch of rich white guys who happen to be American and European deciding to force locals to abide by their own entitled cultural requirements. Most people here work, even those illegal here. I have seen locals hustle, work and work again. Hard working. Deciding if you give to them it was just teach them to be leaches is insulting towards a people who haven't shown any indication of this.

Second, when you give charity it's not your place to force another culture's rules upon that. That you give without the expectation that you will receive a benefit, even a societal benefit. Gifts should not have strings attached. It should be enough just to know nearly everyone is out of work here, and they are mouths to feed.

We both said what we had to say. I said as I walked away I was still going to be giving another big gift to the food bank the next time I took fruit over. He nodded and agreed.

I'm still not thrilled that he's listening to those idiots. He thinks I'm too liberal. But when I walked away neither of us was really fundamentally upset with each other. We agreed this is just one of those things we will never agree on, and that's fine.

Had you talked to either of us immediately in the aftermath one of us may have popped off with a 'So and so is sooooooo stubborn and it makes me crazy' or a like statement. Had I posted here in the hour afterward I might have called him a name like heartless bastard, even as I know he's not really a heartless bastard. A heartless bastard would have told me not to write that check.

No coldness. No ignoring. No withdrawing. No snappy mean weirdness.

Both of us know at the end of the day that everyone views things differently and if it's not a bedrock core issue like infidelity, or abuse, and that we still love one another. We still have to rub along, better to be kind, merciful and nice to each other, even when there's no consensus over things.