Burn the Ships or Just Unnerved?

Pain related insomnia sucks.

I've tossed and turned the last few hours. I know part of it is the on going mess at church. I think this is the end. It was supposed to be the end a few weeks ago, but I had a good friend talk me into staying. Seducing me with talk about remaking the church the way we all want it.

Things have changed, but I am getting the distinct vibe that it's time to burn the ships and leave. 

Last Sunday was tough because I'd told the worship team leader I'd start singing again as the Mississippi Millionaire who can only sing on key when standing next to someone singing on key was leaving. Showed up, but could not rehearse because I could not see the tiny print on the printouts. It stymied me. It didn't help that when we got to the one hymn, one I've heard this other lady bobble too many times when the leader said she'd really wanted to sing it with Miss Mississippi one last time. I stared at her like she has lice in her hair, slightly horrified, because for me being up on the platform singing was a real sacrifice of praise with how crappy my health has been. There was literally no one else there to sing. I really didn't want to do it, but I wanted to not leave them in a lurch knowing MM was leaving.

At the last second MM showed up, even if she was supposed to be in the States. The leader turns to me and asks me if I mind stepping down and letting her sing. I did, without grumbling, sighing, eye rolling, or snarky comment. Inwardly I thought it was just another sign I should just be leaving this church.

Jim got pulled back in by the tee shirt sales, and this week we did a count and a reorganize of the shirts, telling the interim pastor we needed to reorder mens shirts because they were almost gone. The interim pastor said sure, go to the tee shirt place and order more. We were unable to find the shop that used to do it. They are gone or they've moved. Jim's emailed the interim pastor a handful of times with pricing and options trying to get a sense of if the church treasury has enough in it to order the shirts, trying to get permission to order. De nada, nothing, total silence. Oddly silent.

So today we discover that a happening we were supposed to go to was cancelled, but only after we're arrived. Discovered that the usual suspects had cancelled to go to a party in Avellanas instead. A goodbye party for the former pastor which we weren't even invited to.

The last few months it's become obvious that both Jim and I are really relevant. We, what we do, are afterthoughts no one bothered to consider. Good enough to do stuff, but not good enough for anything else. We're at this point the ones who've attended the longest up there, yet we're treated like the furniture.

I guess I'll see how tomorrow goes. This feels like a closing door. I'm mostly done with organized religion.